Man, or at least criminal man, has lost all enterprise and originality. As to my own little practice, it seems to be degenerating into an agency for recovering lost lead pencils and giving advice to young ladies from boarding-schools. You know my method. It is founded upon the observation of trifles. I am the most incurably lazy devil that ever stood in shoe leather My name is Sherlock Holmes. It is my business to know what other people don’t know. You will not apply my precept. How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth? We know that he did not come through the door, the window, or the chimney. We also know that he could not have been concealed in the room, as there is no concealment possible. When, then, did he come?
You know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who’s in ruttin charge here. If anyone gets nosy, just …you know … shoot ’em. Shoot ’em? Politely, of course. Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle. Yes sir, Captain Tightpants! I’ve been under fire before. Well … I’ve been in a fire. Actually, I was fired. I can handle myself. I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you. You’re welcome on my boat. God ain’t. Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction. We live in a spaceship, dear. Course you couldn’t buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle, but I got my hands on a couple. I cannot abide useless people.

Education never ends, Watson. It is a series of lessons, with the greatest for the last. Elementary, my dear Watson. Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. ‘Watson’ he says, ‘look up in the sky and tell me what you see.’ ‘I see millions of stars, Holmes,’ says Watson. ‘And what do you conclude from that, Watson?’ Watson thinks for a moment. ‘Well,’ he says, ‘astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Uh, what does it tell you, Holmes?’ ‘Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!’

Show Holmes a drop of water and he would deduce the existence of the Atlantic. Show it to me and I would look for a tap. That was the difference between us. Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius. You will not apply my precept. How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth? We know that he did not come through the door, the window, or the chimney. We also know that he could not have been concealed in the room, as there is no concealment possible. When, then, did he come? You know my method. It is founded upon the observation of trifles. The world is full of obvious things which nobody by any chance ever observes. Come, Watson, come! The game is afoot. Not a word! Into your clothes and come! I have always held, too, that pistol practice should be distinctly an open-air pastime; and when Holmes, in one of his queer humours, would sit in an armchair with his hair-trigger and a hundred Boxer cartridges and proceed to adorn the opposite wall with a patriotic V.R. done in bullet pocks, I felt strongly that neither the atmosphere nor the appearance of our room was improved by it. I am the most incurably lazy devil that ever stood in shoe leather You see, but you do not observe. The distinction is clear. Man, or at least criminal man, has lost all enterprise and originality. As to my own little practice, it seems to be degenerating into an agency for recovering lost lead pencils and giving advice to young ladies from boarding-schools.

Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle. Just get us on the ground! That part will happen pretty definitely! Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction. We live in a spaceship, dear.